[00:00:00] Speaker A: So many of us have tried to white knuckle our way through one food plan after another. But what if health isn't about eating perfectly, but rather about building habits that actually bear good fruit in our lives?
In today's episode, guest co host Brandice Lardner and I unpack why perfect eating plans so often fail, especially for those of us who are highly sensitive Christian women.
Brandes introduces us to the idea of fruitful habits, which are flexible, grace filled practices you can evaluate by their outcomes, not whether you followed every rigid rule.
We explore how reflection, not rumination, helps you learn from your choices, why giving yourself permission actually reduces food obsessions, and what it looks like to marry wants with wisdom without shame or fear.
So if you're longing for a calmer, more sustainable approach to food, one that's rooted in grace, discernment and real life rhythms, this conversation offers a hopeful way forward welcome to Grit and Grace, the podcast for highly sensitive Christian women. I'm your host Sherry Gregory.
Are you tired of the overthinking, overwhelm and exhaustion that can come with being a highly sensitive person?
Are you ready to stop worrying that something's wrong with you and start understanding and nurturing yourself as an hsp?
Together we'll build resilience, practice self compassion, set healthy boundaries, unlock your creativity and learn to embrace, not fight, your God given sensitivity. Let's dig in.
Hey friend, I'm so glad you're here with me again today.
Last week we kicked off this series by talking about why trusting our own bodies, especially around food, can feel so hard.
And if you haven't listened to episode 303 yet, I encourage you to go back and start there. You'll find the link in the show notes.
So once we recognize why trusting our own bodies has been so disrupted, the next logical question is okay, so what actually helps?
And from decades of experience I can tell you the answer is not more willpower or more rigid rules.
In fact, when we try to force ourselves to follow inflexible plans, our HSP nervous systems often go into extra high alert and react with all or nothing thinking.
So we swing between trying to do everything right and feeling completely defeated when we can't.
Instead of learning from our experiences, we pile on the pressure. Instead of building wisdom, we get stuck in self criticism, which is why today's conversation is so incredibly freeing.
I'm thrilled to welcome back my longtime friend and writing coaching client Brandice Lardner, whose debut book Fully Nourished a grace filled approach to ditch diets and find peace with Food and your body just released.
Brandice brings a deeply grace filled practical approach that's especially supportive for those of us who've struggled with disordered eating, rigid food rules, and the cycles of fear, guilt and shame that can feel so hard to escape.
Brandice Lardner is a personal fitness trainer, nutrition coach, and Jesus girl who loves to share how her relationship with God has brought her the peace with food she was searching for in just about every diet.
Now Brandice shares hope and encouragement on her blog, Grace Filled Plate, where she helps women ditch the diet mindset and find food freedom through their relationship with Jesus Christ.
Brandish shares mindful eating practices where healthy choices are made from a want to rather than a legalistic have to. So you talk about fruitful habits rather than any kind of perfect eating plan.
So how do fruitful habits, maybe you could tell us what those are and how do those lead to better health outcomes?
[00:04:25] Speaker B: You know, we're told in the Bible to judge a tree by its fruit, meaning we can see whether something's working by its outcome. And this could be like everyday life in a relationship, in home care. Like the habits that we're doing will produce a result and we may or may not like the result.
And things like dieting or healthy habits or plans or books that you may buy, they will produce a type of fruit or outcome. And so is that a tasty fruit that you would like more of? Is it rotten? Is it stinky? Does it have a stench?
We don't often look at it. And the nice thing about this perspective is we can step back and really look at an outcome, make an outcome based decision. This is what I'm doing and this is what's happening. It's not me that's good or bad. It's literally I'm doing A and B, A and see is happening. And so as we look at the fruit of a habit, we can decide if it's something we want to continue doing. For example, let's say you go on the latest diet and you notice that, yeah, you might feel a little more energetic, but you're snapping at your kids. You don't want to go out to eat anywhere because they're not serving the kind of food that you want and there's all of this negativity around it. And sure, we can be a gentle observer in our own lives and just see, this is not the outcome I want. However, there's other options, like maybe going for a walk after dinner and you start to do this habit and you notice that, wow, like I'M not picking at the food when I'm cleaning up. Like, we just finish eating, put on my shoes, go for a walk.
It's helping to regulate my blood sugar. It's giving me that pleasant little dopamine hit of activity. And then I come home and I'm ready to transition to my next activity. And no matter what you're doing, it's working for you or it's not. And it's okay to make that call. It's okay to try something and say, that's not really working and it's okay.
And, you know, for me, there were certain habits that, that I tried to do because I felt like I should.
One was like, my nighttime snack. Like, I read all of this content about, oh, I shouldn't eat after 7. It'll, like, you know, make you gain weight or all these things. Well, I was so resistant to letting go of my nighttime snack. It was very comforting for me. And some people don't like to go with food in their. To bed with food in their belly, but it helps me sleep good just having a little bit of food in my belly. And I fought that for so long. And the fruit of me trying to do this was frustration, irritation. I would end up overeating because I was trying not to have the snack. And then I would eat the snack and feel bad and then eat more. And so I was just like, forget it. Why am I trying to do something I don't even want to do? I want to eat my nighttime snack.
[00:07:34] Speaker A: Sure.
[00:07:35] Speaker B: And so when I gave myself permission to do that, then I could go into, like, thinking, problem solving mode. And then I just started eating less at dinner so that I was hungry for my nighttime snack. And it worked wonderfully. And now I don't even eat the snack sometimes, but knowing that I can is really, really helpful. And so if you find yourself fighting something and it's just making you frustrated and it's making you irritated.
[00:08:06] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:08:07] Speaker B: Step back and see how you can frame it, rework it in a way that it's going to bring peace and joy to your life. Because there are so many ways to eat better. There are so many ways to improve your health. Like, it may not even be a food habit. The best thing for you right now might be having some prayer time in the morning, and then that spills over into your eating or getting to bed on time, and then that helps you feel less cravings and etc. And until you really give yourself time to think about that, though, you're never gonna be able to Uncover it when we're, like you said, shaming and judging all the time.
[00:08:44] Speaker A: I love the lack of rigidity.
So I guess the way I should say that is I love the flexibility that I'm hearing. Yeah, there's a part of me that is going, wait, you mean there's not just one system for everybody? You know, like not one size fits all.
So I'll hyperventilate into a paper bag about that later.
But the other thing I'm really hearing that you've illustrate it so beautifully is a very intentional conscience reflection process where like you're taking this seriously because you care about your body and the fruit, the outcome that you're getting both right now and long term. And I want to contrast that with rumination, reflection versus rumination.
Because at least for me, all the compulsivity around food quickly spired into the rumination. And I won't even, I don't need to tell any ladies who are listening the kinds of things that I ruminated about. But that never involved progress. Rumination is just going in a circle or spiraling off in really unhealthy places. Whereas reflection, the way you've just laid it out for us, like I could feel myself wanting to sit up and be like, oh, oh. I could take that kind of responsibility for this human body that God has entrusted to me. And as long as I'm not trying to reach some unreasonable expectation in some short period of time, this feels really doable. And I wonder what I would discover. Like you're sharing what you've discovered. I'm now curious what I would discover. So that all that sounds doable and sounds very safe. It sounds very, very safe. And also I hear a lot of self compassion from you. We talked a little bit about self trust, but then also this, this piece of self compassion that something that you've, you feel like is something you've always had or is that something you've developed as part of your growth with, with all of this, with food.
[00:10:41] Speaker B: It's definitely a new thing. I was a self harmer even as a child.
I remember sitting in my room under 10, like cutting my arms. And I didn't know why, I didn't know why, but it was just again this intensity and just some kind of relief. Oh, right. It's hard to say it and picture a little girl feeling that way. But I had so much self hate. So much I carried the weight of every problem on my shoulder. Sometimes I would feel guilty for breathing and taking somebody else's oxygen, you know, like, and that's just lies from the enemy. But those were things that I had acquired. Now my parents were doing the best they could. They never said to me, you're worthless. And they never said anything intentionally unkind. But I took it all on. I took it all on and held that onto my for myself.
But as I got older, I again started to step back and pay attention to how things were working for me.
And it was obviously not working.
And I didn't suddenly start liking myself or suddenly feel compassionate or kind toward myself. It didn't happen. But I saw that I had to do it or else this was going to be me 40 years from now. And the Lord gave me a husband who really helped me with that.
I remember I'd have like a eating disorder relapse type thing. And he would just be like, oh, well, what are you going to do about it? And you're like, oh, wow. Like, what are you talking about? Like, this is horrible.
And he would just be like, it's really not a big deal. We just move on and what are we going to do now?
And that kind of example showed me the power of self compassion because it just stopped the negative spiral in its tracks. And it, he was an example of God's unconditional love where you're just like, okay, I'm going to be okay. I'm going to work through it. Like, I didn't want to stay there, but I didn't know how to get out. So shaming myself was like crazy. But now we're coming back into, what can I do today? What can I do a little bit better? It's not going to be perfect, but like, you know, and talking to myself in third person was really, really helpful.
Hey, sweetie, it's been a really hard day and anybody who went through something like this would feel the same way. And then you're like, oh, yeah, you're right, it's okay. I feel validated now. And then that would give me space and place to start to heal and to accept that unconditional love. So that self compassion, even though it's so hard to start giving to yourself will be transformational. And if you struggle, do like I did. Do it as an experiment.
You can easily go back to being unkind to yourself whenever.
But give yourself a month. Give yourself six months. Like, okay, I'm gonna try not beating myself up over this for just a period of time. Let's see what happens. Maybe it'll help. And chances are that you will start to create an upward momentum instead of a downward One as you're finally on your own side.
[00:14:03] Speaker A: I love that experimental mindset. We talk a lot about curiosity rather than judgment. Just kind of that what if. Let's, let's give it a. Give it a try. And then that reframes failure so much. And I love, love, love your example of your husband. I used to. You know, I can feel there's a part of me still going, what do you mean? It's no big deal. Everything's a. Everything's a big deal. We must catastrophize everything. And I think I used to think that if I moved on, it meant I was not sorry enough. It meant that I was buying into cheap grace. I spent most of my life with this belief that I had to make up for everything I had done wrong. And I finally realized, how many lifetimes would I need to make up for all the things? And then during those lifetimes, I couldn't make any new mistakes because then I would need more. And I was like, oh, is that what self forgiveness is? It's not being flippant and ignoring the impact I've had. It's saying instead of trying to fix the past, which isn't possible, I'm going to take whatever lesson I can learn and, and I'm going to move it forward.
And that finally made me realize, oh, I think I'd had too many people who have the attitude of just move on, where they, for them, it means sweep everything under the rug, accept no responsibility, don't even try to change, pretend it never happened. But I love, love, love the way that you described it. Well, I invited the members of the Sensitive and Strong Community Cafe to suggest some questions, and we've got some good ones here. So are you ready to dive these?
[00:15:43] Speaker B: Yes, indeed.
[00:15:44] Speaker A: Okay, well, I love the first one, only I almost didn't even want to. Didn't want to ask it because I'm like, do I really want the answer to this? But literally, it starts with one word. Sugar. Why is it so hard to overcome a sweet tooth?
[00:15:59] Speaker B: Yeah, it's an interesting question because there are so many polarizing opinions about sugar. And we've heard the research that says sugar is like cocaine, so you're addicted to it. Sugar's not like cocaine.
It does taste really good and it does do a couple little fireworks in your brain, but no more than other dopamine activities such as cuddling your dog or your cat, laughing at, like, a funny YouTube video or going for a nice walk and getting your heart rate up. So, yes, sugar tastes really, really good.
But the thing, thing that keeps it in this addictive cycle is that all or nothing thinking. So this is how it played out in my life, and I see it in so many ladies lives, is you start out the day and you're like, I'm not going to eat XYZ that contains sugar. And we can pull it together for a little bit, but eventually during the day something tasty comes up and you consciously or unconsciously eat it.
And then we move into oh my goodness again, making it a catastrophe. This is horrible. I said I wasn't going to eat it, but it tastes so good, I want some more of it. And so we keep eating it like almost out of control because we think tomorrow we're not going to have it. And so that impending restriction keeps us like ravenous for the sugar. And then the cycle repeats, right? We still have some cravings in our systems and then tomorrow we promise we're gonna do better and then we keep going. Now if you completely abstain from sugar, does resolve cravings, but it's not really sustainable. I haven't really met anyone. I mean, I've seen people online who say they never eat sugar and it goes great. But I've never met anyone in real life or chatting online who's successfully been able to avoid sugar long term. And for me, that's personally not the way I want to approach food. I don't want to have to avoid certain things. I want to be able to to a wedding and have a wedding cake or have ice cream with my family.
But I also want the freedom to not eat it too. And that's the freedom that we're going for. And so how I've moved past trouble with sugar and how I help other women move past sugar struggles is to become aware of the freedom of choice.
When it feels like something is off limits, it immediately sounds amazing. I mean, you could go like on an egg elimination diet and you'd be like, oh my goodness, I love eggs. Eggs are so good.
Reality. You didn't eat eggs for like, you know, weeks or something like that.
[00:18:43] Speaker A: Sure.
[00:18:43] Speaker B: So when we hold something at arm's length, it becomes oh so attractive. And when we commit to not being restrictive, I'm not saying to eat with abandon. I'm saying when we commit to not restricting, then we don't need to eat all the food. Now, if we've had a long term, you know, off and on again relationship with sugar, we feel out of control with it. It is wise to put some gentle bumpers in place. Like, I still don't bring certain foods into the house because I had really, really difficult relationships with them, like buying boxes and eating them. So that's okay. That's wisdom.
But if we can look at it from a place of self care rather than restriction, it feels like a really nice thing to do. So I would encourage those who would like to find a balanced relationship with sugar to start planning in things purposefully, things that they enjoy but aren't triggering. And if you knew every single day, shoot. After lunch and dinner, you add a little square of dark chocolate. You would probably eat so much less sugar than if you tried to restrict it and then it bounced back, Right? Or you find things that are enjoyable but not triggering. Like, I love the Yaso frozen yogurt bars. Like, they're.
[00:20:05] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness, they are the best invention ever.
[00:20:09] Speaker B: They're so tasty. But like, yeah. And we've got a box from Costco right now in the freezer. I've been eating one every single day lately. And it's great because in the past I would have eaten a box or whatever because I felt restricted. But now it's like, I can finish it. I can have some self discipline, which is good. We want that, right? And put off eating more till tomorrow. The more we affirm that something is not off limits, the easier it gets to navigate it. Even to this day, I will take my little cart through the, like, grocery store in the bakery section and remind myself I could buy anything I want here.
[00:20:51] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:20:52] Speaker B: And guess what? Then I just, like, don't want to. And I will. Sometimes it's not that I don't eat sweets, but, like, just knowing I could makes it like, huh, Do I want to? And then I can pick the things that I really, really like. I go to a restaurant, I look at the menu, I'm like, I could order anything off of here. I could do that.
[00:21:12] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:21:13] Speaker B: But what do I want? And then through that, through prayer, through time, you begin to find what I call marrying your wants. With wisdom, we can see what we would like to eat. And then we can call on the Holy Spirit, Wisdom himself, who is within us, and make that wise choice. And that's when you're at the restaurant, it's like, I'd like dessert. So I'm gonna order the lighter dinner, not out of restriction, but it's kind.
[00:21:41] Speaker A: Of a smart thing to do, right?
[00:21:42] Speaker B: Or I don't know if I want to do, like three pieces of pizza, because that would make me miserable, but I don't also want to avoid it altogether. So wisdom Would say, maybe I'll do a slice or two of pizza and a side salad. So when you take that autonomy back, like we were saying, then you can start to make choices that feel better and are actually a form of self care.
[00:22:06] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:22:07] Speaker B: And you'll make some mistakes along the way. You'll get a sugary treat that you go oopsie.
That I might not be quite ready for that one yet. But then you go ahead, you don't take it personally. You set it aside and you pray about it and find another way to begin to rebuild your relationship with these foods. And the more we do that, the more we'll find that our eating becomes pretty well balanced.
[00:22:30] Speaker A: Right.
[00:22:30] Speaker B: Just like a child who's not been forced to eat certain ways will push away an ice cream cone. Right. Or we'll eat certain things because they don't have any, like, real history with it. They're just listening to their bodies.
[00:22:45] Speaker A: That picture of going through the bakery section and going, I can have anything here. So what do I actually want right now is just. That's amazing. Or looking at the menu and asking, what do I want? As opposed to what I used to do, which was looking straight for the thing I was allowed to have, you know, based on those restrictive rules. That's amazing. And I also love that as you're talking about not restricting, you're aware that some people listening, their minds might go to. Well, then you're just allowing anything. You know, anything goes. Let's just be clear. I'm not hearing you say that.
I am not hearing you say to do whatever you feel like in the moment and whatever your flesh desires, you're going to fulfill the desires of your flesh. I don't hear you saying that at all. I am hearing a real discernment process. And I'm, I'm hearing a lot of calm and a lot of intentional pacing to this process. How many of us have put this level of intentional thought into our food choices? And I say that not in terms of guilt, but we, we probably put this level of thinking into decorating a room or, you know, buying gifts or something else.
But, you know, I'm listening to you going, oh, there's more steps. And these steps are the ones that will lead to the outcome of being able to make the quicker decisions or having the ingredients I need or whatever.
It's not going to just be snap your fingers and boom, poof. You suddenly know what to do. But I, I love, love, love this process that you are not just describing, but you're modeling and I'm hearing in your voice, it just sounds so appealing.
[00:24:27] Speaker B: You're right. That you can hear it in your voice when you're doing something you want to or you don't. Right. You're like, yes, I'll just follow that diet plan.
No, like we're like we're having joy in it. God could have made us live off of air and I've often wished that because food was such a struggle for me. But he made it taste good so we could enjoy it and keeping it in its proper place. And he's like you said, not being bossed around by the flesh. I mean, my flesh wants to wrap my arms around a five gallon bucket of ice cream. That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about listening to the wisdom of the Spirit and also enjoying what God has given us. Yeah.
[00:25:01] Speaker A: I want to take a moment to tell you a bit more about Brandes book Fully Nourished because it really captures the heart of what we've been talking about today.
Fully Nourished is for Christian women who are tired of obsessing over food, weight and appearance and who long for a Christ centered way to care for their bodies without shame.
Even though we know that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, many of us have spent years at war with our bodies, tracking calories, cutting out food groups, jumping on the latest health trend, and then wondering why none of it brings lasting peace. With so much conflicting advice, weight lost and regained, and self blame. When we fall short, we rarely get to the heart of the matter, why food became such a struggle in the first place, or why our sense of worth became tangled up in what we eat and how we look.
We focus on fixing the outside, hoping it will change how we feel inside. But true, lasting freedom comes from the inside out.
In Fully Nourished, Brandes invites you to step off the exhausting treadmill of dieting and into the freedom Jesus offers. Drawing from biblical truth, sound nutrition and habit building science, she gently shows you how to nourish your body without shame, renew your mind with grace and build habits that support your health, your peace and your calling. This isn't about getting it perfect, it's about finally becoming free.
You'll find links to learn more about Fully Nourished in the show notes and I cannot recommend it highly enough, especially for highly sensitive Christian women.
Brandice also offers a free seven lesson email series called Faith is Greater Than Food which is linked in the show notes as well. You can learn more about Brandice and her
[email protected] thank you for listening to Grit and Grace, the podcast for highly sensitive Christian women.
I hope this episode leaves you feeling encouraged, equipped to thrive and and supported in building habits that actually bear good fruit in your life.
Be sure to follow in your favorite podcast app and share this episode with a friend.
Now, if you're brand new to the whole HSP concept, come take the Am I a Highly Sensitive Person quiz. You'll find that link in the show notes. And remember, God created you sensitive. In Christ, you are always strong.
So one of my favorite things that I did as your writing coach was that I ran your manuscript development team. Could you share just a little bit from your perspective, what was it like for you as a first time author to work with a manuscript development team that was reading your chapters as you wrote them and giving you immediate feedback?
[00:27:59] Speaker B: I loved having a manuscript development team.
There's already a lot of pressure on us as writers. Like we want it, we want to put our best work forward and yet we can get so in the weeds and I personally can get stuck in my head or start reading the material so much. The thing that I once liked I don't like anymore.
And so sort of sharing that oversight with someone else, with numerous other people was a relief for me because I couldn't trust my own judgment after a while. I mean, like I did my best, but then it just all started to run together the more that I wrote and so being able to say, okay, I'm content with this content right now, I'm going to send it off to this manuscript development team and move on.
[00:28:48] Speaker A: Right.
[00:28:49] Speaker B: And go on to the next chapter and sometimes just need a break break and let them do their thing while I continue to simmer on the content.
It was a relief then because then I would get back the information and generally was pretty positive which really increased my confidence and excited me that hey, yeah, I'm onto something here. So yeah, I was just a little nervous going in, afraid that people would like nitpick my stuff and nobody did. They're all so kind, they're all so gentle and just was surprised how I caught things that I would not have otherwise and it just relieved a burden for me. Absolutely.
[00:29:27] Speaker A: If Brandice's experience resonated with you, you can learn more about working with me at sherrygregory.com write that's C-H-E-R-I G-R-E-G-O-R-Y.com W R I T E and of course the link is in the show notes.
